She needed to tune them out, even for a short while. Reaching deep into her pocket, she found her one saving grace, her iPod. Flipping through the playlists she found what she was looking for.
Dark, hard rock. It was another taste she and Lisa had shared. The hard, dark, foreboding, and emotional lyrics had a way to pull her to a new place. It was something she needed right now.
In the distance, she could hear the girls chattering on, but it didn't matter. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against the cold glass once more. The sounds of the music wrapped her in a buffer and took her away. Some of the words held meaning for her; others were just random lyrics that she could lose herself in. In the end it didn't matter. All she wanted was to be tucked away from the world, even for only a short while.
Every note drew her in. She could see the world in a different light. Her sister was still around, and the friends she had known all her life were back to the way they used to be. Life hadn't changed them yet. Her mind drifted back to a time when they all got along, and outside influences didn't bear down on them. It had been a good time, a fun time. She allowed the visions to continue, her body relaxing for the first time in weeks.
Don't lose yourself. Gwen stiffened at the voice. In her mind, she could feel a presence move.
Don't go. The voice echoed behind the hard beat of the guitar. It wasn't part of the lyrics, she was certain. She had listened to this specific playlist so many times she knew each verse by heart. These words weren’t part of it. Opening one of her eyes, she found the others still deep in chatter. By their actions alone, they hadn't heard it. So either her mind was playing tricks on her, or she was really over the edge. Neither one was high on her priority list at the moment.
Twisting down into the seat she shrugged off the words. Wave after wave of electric guitar and drums drowned out the world for a few more minutes. Her mind eased as the notes hit a peak and came back down. No amount of therapy did as much good as her music did.
A sharp kick to her shin and her eyes shot open. She turned to find Lexi staring back at her.
"What the hell was that for?" Her hand rubbed the edge of her leg.
"You looked like you were falling asleep." She edged closer. "Just because we are in the car doesn't mean you can tune us all out. Besides, I need someone to keep me sane while they chatter."
Gwen leaned into her friend. "You want to bet?" She held her breath for a second. "I agreed to come out; can’t you all be happy about that? All I want is quiet, and that's impossible with them talking so much. I just want to try and listen to my music till we get closer."
Lexi tried to speak but stopped as she chose her words. "Gwen."
Gwen released the breath she had held and leaned closer. "Look, I understand why you all are doing this, really I do, but I didn't want it."
"That doesn't mean you didn't need it." The stark seriousness in her friend's eyes spoke volumes.
"Lexi, I'm not drowning in my sorrows or being destructive. I don’t drink myself to death at night or do other stupid things. I promise that. It's just still an adjustment for me. All of it is." She didn't want to mention about hearing her sister's voice, not right now. "A part of me is gone, forever, and it will take more than a trip to help that pain go away."
"Gwen, I know—"
"No Lexi, you don’t. Lisa was my sister, my twin for God’s sake. We felt and thought everything the same way. Now she's dead, a part of me died that day with her." Her head hurt to think about it. "Try losing a piece of you. It's not fun or easy."
Lexi reached out. "I do understand."
She shook her head. "No you don't. You want to; I believe you do, but you can't. No one can unless they have been through it. Losing a family member, a parent is heartbreaking enough, but to lose someone who is essentially part of you, that's very different." She squeezed her hand. “You’re one of my best friends, and I love you dearly for your concern, but this is going to take time to get past.
“It’s fine, I get the point.” Lexi squeezed her hand back. “You helped me through rough times when I bit your head off. I’ll do the same.”
Gwen nodded and backed over to her end of the seat. Lexi turned and looked out the window, her silence a clear sign she had hit the target dead on. Gwen hadn't wanted to be curt, but it was the only way to make her understand. Lexi was the one friend she didn't mind being honest with. Unfortunately, her brutal honesty could be a bit much, even for Lexi.
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